I don't know what it is man, but lately I've been feelin inadequate like a mug. I'm so confused though, when did I lose all my confidence...when did I lose my swagger, lol. I feel really inadequate in many areas right now, which also imply that I have doubts that God can use me. I think it may be a result of self-consciousness. I've always had a level of self-consciousness, or self-awareness. I think it's gotten worse though. It's ridiculous. I don't approach conversations the same, I don't approach situations the same. I'm over-analyzing myself a little too much. Real talk, I don't even walk the same anymore. My walk feels unnatural, what happened to my Hollywood bop. Nothing seems natural. I feel the void...it's like something has been stolen from me.
Honestly, it may just be a rack of tests. I think God has been allowing me to be tempted in different areas, especially in the areas of pride, vanity, lust, and selfishness. I been noticing it over small stuff too, those everyday situations. I think it's funny how Christians are meant to be confident and are meant to have a swagger...so much to the point that a slight step over it becomes arrogance. But don't get me wrong. Our confidence doesn't come from a self-assurance in ourselves, but a self-assurance in our identity that is found in Christ...in who we are because of Him...in our security...in who He is molding us into. The next funny thing is that since I've been feeling this way, I'm automatically tempted to try to swell my own head up. I'm tempted to look for things that I can attribute to myself. I'm tempted to look at those vain things...the things that have no permanence. It's so easy to do that...to become overly confidence in myself and myself alone. But I must refuse to do so. I think this a trial so that I can take my confidence in God to a deeper level. I have been feeling extremely inadequate, like I'm not able to accomplish anything. But my perspective has been wrong because I keep focusin on my self alone. I think I'm getting another taste of what it is like to truly depend on God and erase myself out of the equation. It feels like God took away my confidence in Him just so that He can build upon it.
Pray for the kidd. I can see what reaching the finish line victoriously looks line. And if a victory occurs, it means everything changes. How can you stop a juggernaut that knows anything is possible??? Pray that I keep pressing towards the mark.
Friday, 16 October 2009
I should either be sleep or studying right now...got a mid-term at 9am...and I find myself here on xanga eating a yogurt pack that I placed in the freezer. I get so much motivation to do everything else but study...it's a tremendous problem. I must be really lazy because I avoid doing the things that I have to do, and when there is nothing immediate on my plate, I avoid taking time to write or create...ya know, as I write this, it is starting to make sense why most creative stuff comes to me when I'm in motion rather than when I'm just sitting. Maybe it's like symbolic, I gotta be in motion to get things going. Like seriously, I either get ideas for my short film or I start freestyling in my head when I'm walking in class or on the bus. Sad thing is that our brains don't come with a tape recorder...CRAP! The best stuff goes unwritten. Honestly, I might just start riding the shuttle bus for fun and take one of my journals with me. Sometimes I see little things that speak to me and I go with it....ahhh, why does it have to be approaching 3 o'clock...why am I on here...i gotta go...much love yall
What's up people! Those of the X-family left lol...bammas done moved out since I last blogged. But for those willing to read (which is like two ppl), sweet. So I guess I'll break it down into categories....
Family
Man, September was a great month for seeing the fam. I saw a lot of my dads side which was great...for the most part. I saw a lot of family due to the death of my 22yrold cousin...but also because my sis from the UK finally came to visit us Americans after several years. Man oh man, it was so great to see her and her husband. I can't go that long again without seeing her. She was here for two weeks...which sucked because I was in school while she stayed at my dads place in Bmore, so I couldn't see her as much as I hoped too. Only if I had a whip, I woulda drove down every day if I could have. While she was here it was all I wanted to do. It's weird. I have a great relationship with my two sisters I believe, even though age and distance and accents (lol) may separate us from each other. But Natasha and Cyrille's visit reunited the family and it was great. Got to be around my siblings, my momdukes and my dad at the sametime which rarely happens. So yea, can't wait to get a look at the pics and share them.
Ministry
Real talk, it's been tough. A challenge. As president of fraternity, I can't say that I have had a great start. You know, whenever you take hold of something like this, you want it to be great. You want to leave a legacy, you want to achieve much. But like my good pal Amber told me, I would learn so much from this position. Although she may have had particular things in mind, I've def learned that this position is not about myself and how the chapter is in my hands...not at all. I don't want to speak much about it, but I guess I'm learning that I can have all the vision or ideas or dreams in the world...but lack of action will get me nowhere. Besides the frat stuff, trying get back into the music thing...it seems to come in spurts for me. I think there is a lot of growing to take place in these gifts I think God has given me...like a lot of untapped creativity...untapped thoughts...untapped insight...untapped confidence. I guess I gotta keep moving even when I feel wack or feel energyless (that's prolly not a word, lol). But I got onto Joshua "OD" Mitchell's mixtape, Late Night Special...check it out if ya liked. I'm on track 7, "Face Forward"...got to perform it a few weeks ago too...download it at www.mediafire.com/latenightspecial
Females (i like talkin bout this...but i hate talkin bout this...lol...so much to say but so much to hold back lol)
Ha! That's pretty nonexistent right now....as time goes on I see that I'm going about it all wrong. Honestly, I'm not sure how to go about it. Like, should I be actively seeking or should I just remain chill and grow in my singleness until God somehow tells me to move...combo of the two??? Anyway, my thoughts and feelings towards the "wifey chase" go up and down lately. Usually it's always up, but lately it's been fluctuating. Some days I'm like, "yo God what's really good with all this?" with eyes peeled and some days I'm like whatever. Idk man, getting into the last relationship of my life would be cool, yea it's a legit desire of mine...but I guess I haven't let God fully deal the cards...I think we try so hard in small ways to make stuff happen (in our minds we're convinced that we're chillin, but we're really not) that we won't completely relax and trust God to make moves. I guess I need to just put those thoughts of "how about her or what about her?" (lol) off the forefront and work on myself and just pray for the future. I'm faithful that I'll end up where I need to be...and the lessons keep on ticking...
this week
Well, class and work like usually...ANQ bible study on Tuesday nite like usual...a few meetings this week here and there...frat stuff...but I'm tryna play some Dodgeball this friday with Frontline-Silver Spring at Montgomery College Gymnassium...yea, I love Dodgeball...maybe I should go pro lol...and the sunday coming up I'm doing this skit/quickplay thing at this church in Fort Washington...should be fun...excited to be acting again...CHEA!
whoever reads this, hopefully ill keep bloggin to give ya something to read...maybe be inspired by...have any ideas on what i should blog about next?
so...this was just something that started out as a thought as i was on gmail earlier sitting at the table...i ran wit it i guess
Sometimes I feel like the balance between a friend and a love interest is really close.Maybe they should be that way.Sometimes the jump between one to the other occurs real easily…or real quick.From my life experiences, I’ve come to value friendship a lot more.Friendship is awesome in general, but the essence is also appreciated in an exclusive relationship between man and woman, or girlfriend and boyfriend, fiancée to fiancée, husbandand wife…new couples to old couples.If you really think about it, it is what keeps you together.In terms of these kinds of relationships, many times the friendship isn’t what draws you together…sometimes the initial physical attraction or a personality that stands out that you are drawn to.Nothing is wrong with that…they are very important.One is very important if you plan to make babies, lol…and the other is good to have in terms of appreciation and getting along among other obvious stuff.One of my regrets tho in terms of the whole “finding the one slash finding her” search (lol) is that I’ve never put my radar to buzz off when I saw great friendship.It’s never been my number one target.It’s funny, it’s the one that sneaks up on you…the one (in my opinion) that holds everything together…and the one in my opinion that takes the longest to discover and to appreciate.
Honestly, it usually hits me when it’s too late.I don’t know if it’s been a mistake I should have learned from, maybe I needed to see it play out before I actually began my search, or maybe God is using my mistakes to lead me somewhere…to someone, perhaps.Idk, I just know that friendship is so important because it’s what makes you want to be with that person…it’s what makes you want to go out and have fun…sit on the couch and watch tv…go for a walk and talk…wutever.It’s what keeps old couples together after their body parts have gone from firm to saggy…from Vicky secrets to granny panties…from being able to run like a track star to the oxygen tanks…you feel me, lol
Eventually you’ll get used to the looks…things will start getting settled and become regular.The infatuation fades, the excitement comes and leaves and comes back and so on so on…the arguments come and go…ups and downs becomes the cycle usually...but the friendship, the natural enjoyment of each other’s company will keep you (oh, in addition to commitment, can’t forget that).
I’m tryna make that a bigger part of my search.Noticing someone that I enjoy to be around…just because.I think those couples that started out as friends first are very blessed because they have that core friendship, untainted and lack fraud.Before a deeper relationship has started they know each other for who they really are, without the masks.They let the a-ha! Moment come to them…let the attraction come to them…or let the attraction naturally get awakened.I think it’s harder to build a friendship off breaks with someone that you are attracted from the jump.Not saying that you shouldn’t try…try…but to me, that is most important besides the Christ-factor…and it’s easy to see it genuinely if the friendship is already there instead of trying to build it…
...it's like 1:31 in the am as I'm writing this joint...it will probably be another 3 am-er for me once again...(i need to get more sleep...plus it makes sense, i like dreaming more than i like being awake sometimes lol). But tonight, I need to unload my brain and dig into the word...been slacking on that this past week anyway, so i gotta get the consistency back up...but yea
This weekend was really dope. Definitely got ministered to, had fun, got inspired crucially...and hung out with some great ppl. Went to the jesus rock events (2 out of 3)...went to the Catalyst...went to zion....saw momdukes...so it was good...good good! Def feel the urgency to pick my pen and get to work. I got a lot to do...a lot of practicing to get in...a lot of leading to get ready to do...a lot of growth to make and to pour out. A lot on my mind at the moment tho...like usual. I can't fake, the teaching at Zion today has my mind boggled a bit. The Love Boat series has been really relevant and good timing...(seems like a lot has been good timing actually)...but yea. Today he talked about the signs that help to reveal if you have the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness. That was cool, added to my already existing thoughts that I'm not to remain single forever...but the interesting part was how he knocked the concept of soulmate. For a while I've been wondering about the 1 vs 100 debate (is there only one that God has for you, or do you have the option to choose from many). And then he addressed how church society makes it seem like women aren't suppose to express interest based off of Prov. 18:22. Pastor Battle was saying how it's ok for women to express their interest. I didn't have a problem with it, I'm actually cool with it and understand it especially since he backed it with scripture (Ruth n Boaz). It was just a lil weird bc it goes against what I'm used to hearing...and then I started feeling like all the women at the church are going to start hollering at guys now, lol, real talk, I saw a lot of glancing eyes as ppl were walking out, lol, just saying...we'll see haha. But all that to say, it def answered many of my questions I've had for a while...I guess now it's like, well, now that I understand a little bit more, what now God?
There's some type of theme to this weekend...I'm just not sure lol. I definitely see that there is a lot of moving I gotta do in a lot of areas...there's a lot of depth to be reached...a newer level to be maintained in my walk...a newer me to embrace. I guess it's just like, I see it, but how's it gonna come together. At the moment I see fear creeping up on me...trying to tell me I'm too late...trying to tell me there's too much to do...trying to tell me I've got too far to go...but like Prayz1 says, I've came to far to give up on who I am....I refuse to be a dead dream...somebody needs what I got...I sometimes think we even need to see ourselves succeed...you might have to inspire and motivate yourself. Yea, I'm tired of ppl telling me again what I've already realized...so, let's get it!
Hopefully this week is a progression of this past weekend. I'm hoping it will be a lot of things actually...
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